Happy Conformist New Year!!

As predicted, here I am in my apartment alone. But honestly, I prefer this to standing in that conformist chaos that is Times Square, though in full disclosure I've never done that. I had a nice quiet New Year's Eve, whiling away the afternoon in a coupon-fueled shopping spree and then spending my post-dinner food coma reading Lucky magazine and watching documentaries about zebras and the threatened polar bears (polar bears, despite being all aryan-nation white themselves, can distinguish between colors and are attracted to brightly colored things, such as cerulean blue buckets).

Shortly before the stroke of midnight I switched over to one of the major networks, watched the ball drop, and during the glittery anticlimactic aftermath made myself some coffee to chase the can of Chicken of the Sea ("I know it's tuna but it says chicken") I had eaten only half an hour prior. Now that I am good and buzzed, it's time to write.

So, to start off 2007 by plunging eye level into a sea of conformity, I have decided to list for all you fellow conformists out there my resolutions, the majority of which I am sure will be scattered to the four winds and drowned in the seven seas before the month is out:

1. Exercise more.
2. Eat more veggies and omega-3 fatty acids.
3. Do assigned readings on time, which requires buying books at the start of the semester.
4. Buy higher quality things (I am worthy of cashmere sweaters and aged deerskin bags).
5. Be on time, at least 90% of the time.
6. Clean my apartment and do laundry more often.
7. Own my raisins more (corollary: wear more skirts).
8. Have an aggressive multicountry/transcontinental adventure post-graduation/pre-work.
9. Get my hair cut at least once a semester, with once a quarter being ideal.
10. Get out more.

And of course, because I am true to my bitchy self, here are 10 garish beacons of conformity that I would like to see publicly humiliated, spat upon, and banished in 2007:

1. The camisole + parka + miniskirts + Uggs combo, worn in both warm and chilly climes. Huh? Make up your mind, schizo.
   
2. The spiky-hair-gel + unbuttoned shirt + axe body spray cocktail. Mmmm, tasty... Not.
3. Tube tops in sizes larger than 12. Wow. Seriously, wow.
4. People who congregate in large groups inconsiderately blocking highly trafficked routes, such as corners of intersections, entrances and exits of major stores, and anywhere near my apartment or where I need to go. Where the fuck were you people raised?
5. Little kids singing and dancing to sexually provocative hip hop lyrics. While highly entertaining and novel to start, the disturbing factor eventually wins out.
6. Business school students, sucking their own short dicks, loudly enumerating for their fellow subway passengers all the major investment banks with which they have interviewed during the semester. Get the fuck over yourselves.
7. Another subway one: really fucking fat people who think they can squeeze into the sliver of a space between me and the lanky, gangly guy on the other side. Dude!
8. Other minorities who believe that it is perfectly acceptable to spit racist epithets at me. Hello? Do you own a mirror? On the color wheel, none of us are terribly far apart.
9. Tourists complaining in their grating conformist accents that my little city is too crowded or dirty. Then go the fuck home, conformists!
10. Fucking dumber-than-dirt, uglier-than-sin conformists who act like they are richer than Gates and more knowing than God, and demand to be treated like such. My perennial favorite. Go fuck yourselves.

Well, that's it for now folks. Despite the caffeine, this aging conformist bitch is tuckered out from all the non-excitement. Happy 2007! Y'all come back now, ya hear.


First thought: Aww, how cute.
Second thought: Where is his paw... no wonder he looks so content.